A Not So Helpful Guide for Defeating (or Just Surviving) Ronda Rousey

Ten definitely serious options for your consideration should you find yourself in the position to save the world from Rousey’s terrifying reign.

I’ve come to realize she is basically the evil lady from Terminator 3 and she’s not going to stop until every single man, woman, and child has been annihilated in the Octagon by her relentless hands, elbows, knees, and feet.

Nobody expects anyone to defeat her at this point, including male UFC fighters (and it would be a lose-lose whether someone like Conor McGregor beat her or not). People are also openly calling for her to face Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who may not have experience in MMA, but is certainly no slouch when it comes to doling out the blows.

We aren’t even sure if there are any fictional characters who could best her. Surely she would choke out John Wick? And John Rambo? And John Matrix? Even John McClane, the very definition of an action hero? Could they team up and stand a chance? Nobody can say for sure.

To take Ronda Rousey down, there are a number of methods that might be utilized, although you find out soon enough that each has its own strengths and weaknesses (or just weaknesses, I guess).

1. Get a small and adorable child to hug her from behind, except the child is a robot and that robot is filled with a ton of C4.

Even though it’s just a robot, I would imagine survivors of the resulting explosion would be feeling pretty goddamn traumatized after witnessing – to them – a cute kid blowing up into a million little pieces, along with Rousey.

That kind of psychological trauma isn’t worth it, not to mention the resulting fallout thanks to such a blatant disregard for ethics. Besides, we aren’t actually trying to kill her, for Pete’s sake. We just want to show the world she’s a mortal by making her bleed, not spreading her internal organs over multiple zip codes.

2. Hire ex-military mercenaries to fly a drone over the Octagon and fire a missile.

Once again, I see a lot of problems, with the main one being the lethality of it. I did say we’re not trying to kill her, right? And how do you expect to survive the missile if you are also in the Octagon with her? This is real life – you have to take into account things like the force of the explosion!

3. Catch a shark, transport it to her house, and leave it in her swimming pool so it can ambush her.

Wow, what a ridiculously heinous plot that wouldn’t work pretty much from the start. Besides, Rousey would punch the shit out of that stupid shark and she’s too busy planning world domination to do regular things like swim in a pool.

*saves it for Donald Trump in case he becomes president*

4. Get someone really chill like Paul Rudd or Amy Poehler to lower Rousey’s guard before kicking her into a deep hole like 300.

That’s actually pretty funny to think about just because it’s so bizarre. Unless that deep hole has some serious padding at the bottom, I’m not digging this one either.

Also, maybe I should clarify: I meant defeat her in the Octagon. Like, officially put a loss in a her record.

5. Get into the ring with her and just avoid her like a boss until time runs out.

This is a very popular hypothetical idea that works well in a vacuum. But if there’s one thing I know about Ronda Rousey (other than us being together forever and ever and ever and ever), it’s that she’s really quite aggressive.

She’s definitely not the type to wait for you to engage first – she’s coming for you. Like, right da fuck now. And if she realizes you’re actively trying to avoid even touching her, I can guarantee she’ll either trap you in a corner or pin you against the fence and pummel you until your head looks like a tomato.

I would certainly be impressed if you actually succeeded with this option, but it’s definitely harder than you think when you consider not only her aggressiveness and skill, but the relatively confined dimensions of the Octagon.

6. Find the woman (or man) of your dreams, make a baby through passionate lovemaking, train the baby before it’s even born to be a fighting machine, continue to train it when it’s born, never stop training it, keep going, almost there… and now the baby is an adult and ready to fight Ronda Rousey.

This is definitely the movie version, but I guess it could also work. My only concern would be the time factor. By the time the baby is grown up, Rousey will probably be pretty old and she’ll also be the Solar System Representative of the Milky Way Galaxy Senate or some shit.

She’ll be a formidable opponent by herself, but she’ll also have hordes of bodyguards and cyborgs as cannon fodder.

Can your baby handle the heat? CAN IT!?!?!?!?

That’s what I thought.

7. Train YOURSELF to be a formidable fighting machine and, through a series of improbable events, find yourself facing off against her.

I hate to break it to ya, but this is a very unrealistic scenario. If you’re even reading this, you’re probably at least sixteen years old, if not older, which means you are far behind in terms of training. Could you catch up, or at least turn into a good fighter?

Sure, it’s possible.

But it won’t be enough. You need another plan.

8. Offer her a bribe to lose on purpose, all the while making sure she at least gives a convincing performance (as in, she looks like she’s trying to win).

I’m not exactly sure what Rousey’s net worth is (when I type her name into Bing it says on the side it’s approximately $5 million), but she is one of UFC’s most well-known fighters and she’s definitely the most famous female fighter right now. Plus, she’s already been in three movies: The Expendables 3, Furious 7, and Entourage, all of which must bring in some kind of money, right?

If you offer her a bribe, it better not be in person because she’ll probably give you a flurry of jabs right in the face until you can’t feel, well, your dang face anymore.

9. Hold one of her family members hostage and blackmail her into losing against you.

Yeah, because you want to turn Ronda Rousey into Liam Neeson’s Taken character. Good luck with that, pal.

10. Realize there’s no stopping her and fully embrace her inevitable rise to power – like Scarface but even better.

ALL HAIL OUR OVERLORD RONDA ROUSEY! ALL HAIL OUR OVERLORD RONDA ROUSEY! ALL HAIL OUR OVERLORD RONDA ROUSEY!

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