Owen Wilson’s War: Fighting Ridiculous Controversy in “No Escape”

Sorry folks, but No Escape really isn’t xenophobic or racist.

Owen Wilson hasn’t made a serious movie in years and it’s a shame his solid performance has been overshadowed by some very heavy controversy revolving around No Escape and just exactly what kind of message it’s trying to convey. There’s been serious talk from all different types of sources that the movie (quick plot summary: Owen Wilson and his family move to an unnamed Southeastern Asian country only to find themselves running for their lives in the midst of a violent revolution) is xenophobic and/or racist.

At first I thought it was no big deal, but I’m losing my mind here because everywhere I turn, I’m reading something ridiculous about the film that makes my blood boil. So I’m here to set things straight and tell you the reality of the situation.

The idea of this type of movie being xenophobic or racist is the same asinine criticism that was getting heaped on the shoulders of Hustle & Flow and it’s not even about being overly political correct. It’s about failing to realize a movie’s context is often determined by the expected audience. In this case, we have Hollywood making an American movie for a predominantly American audience.

If you want something neutral or completely absent a position, launch yourself into space because you’re not getting that kind of objectivity in the world of pop culture. And, by the way, No Escape is thrilling and unrelenting and the only thing that would have made it better is if Owen Wilson and his family didn’t keep getting saved by typical movie synchronicity and heroics.

Finally let’s not forget Pierce Brosnan’s character does offer a little context when he says the people are just trying to protect their own families and livelihood through actions that might seem brutal or savage from Owen Wilson & Company’s perspective – which is incidentally our perspective as well. Is it enough? Maybe not, but I’m laughing at the people who want more, like this is supposed to suddenly turn into a documentary or a really pompous episode of The Newsroom.

But perhaps the most important thing people are forgetting is that cinema explores scenarios and just like Hustle & Flow explores the fictional account of a fictional Memphis rapper and just like Collateral explores a fictional taxi driver and assassin in a fictional version of LA, so does No Escape.

The whole point is to show what it shows and I don’t get how people don’t understand that by now.

If you really want to ask a provocative question, ask whether what you’re seeing is at least viable realistically. Can you imagine a scenario where a family moves to another country and suddenly finds themselves in the middle of a violent uprising? Because I can. It probably happens all the time, historically speaking.

End of rant. For now.

Bad Rap: “Straight Outta Compton” and the Consequences of Sugarcoating the Past

When keeping it superficial goes wrong.

It’s interesting how a biopic about one of the most influential and controversial hip hop groups in history is also such a blasé affair. N.W.A rose to infamy in the eighties and nineties thanks to their gangsta attitude and aggressive lyrics about women and the motherfucking police. Heck, even if you know nothing about rap, you might recognize two member: Ice Cube and Dr. Dre.

This is a movie that should be equally controversial and it should be the epitome of a music biopic keeping it real, just like N.W.A tried to do with their tracks. Instead, Straight Outta Compton has more in common with Coach Carter than Hustle & Flow. And speaking of Hustle & Flow, explain to me how the 2005 fictional account of a fictional rapper can get so much criticism for being “stereotypical and cliché” while Straight Outta Compton gets away with its own egregious behavior.

The terrible thing about Compton is that its clichés aren’t even all related to race and what being a black male in a tough neighborhood means. Instead, we get general movie tropes that go on for almost three hours, making Compton one of the most overrated and most boring movies of the summer.

Even if you were drowsing off for half the movie, you could still recall all the things that happen in your typical music biopic, like focusing on specific individuals of the group – individuals who the general audience is bound to recognize (again: Ice Cube and Dr. Dre) – then showing them all together conglomerating their skills for the group’s best interests, but then they start to get popular and famous and money becomes a big factor, as does greed and the effect money can have on friendships.

You get the idea.

All the adversity N.W.A faces in the movie is so superficial and so easy to overcome, it makes the audience think it’s almost easy creating a rap group and racing off into a euphoric bliss of women in bikinis, stacks of cash, and mounds of drugs.

Where’s the real adversity? You know, like Dre’s egregious treatment of women? That would certainly be keeping it real, if you ask me. Really, Compton could be a Disney movie if all the swears were taken out. It’s such a tame movie and it really shouldn’t be. It should be fiery and aggressive and passionate.

You know, N.W.A stands for Niggaz wit’ Attitude. Straight Outta Compton? More like Straight Outta Attitude, because the movie does start off on a promising note, with Eazy-E – one of the original members of N.W.A – going into a tense situation and then the police getting involved in full riot gear. As he climbs out a house’s window and disappears over the roof of the next house, we get the title of the movie.

It’s a heart-pounding experience and those are few and far between all the rest of the bullshit in this movie. Pretty much the only truly good thing about this movie is how eerily similar most of the actors look in comparison to their real counterparts. I mean, it helps Ice Cube was portrayed by his son, but still.

There’s also a special cameo or two you’ll be sure to enjoy, although those are tiny flashes of light in a dark tunnel of incompetence. To make matters worse, the second half of the movie actually slows down, which the first half didn’t (to its credit). Once Eazy-E gets diagnosed with a certain disease, Compton turns into a Lifetime movie.

I hear a sequel might be made. I hope it’s better than this overrated experience.

A Live (At the Time) Review of Demetri Martin’s New Netflix Comedy Special

Folks, it’s A-OK.

I remember back in the day I would look up Demetri Martin’s material on YouTube whenever I wanted to get a quick laugh in before returning to the doldrums of reality. In my mind, he stood toe-to-toe with guys like Louis CK, Dave Chappelle, and Jim Gaffigan when it came to making me laugh. But after a while, I stopped looking him up and that was pretty much that.

Fast forward to 2015 and Demetri (I’m on a first-name basis with him) has a new standup special on Netflix called Demetri Martin: Live (At the Time). It’s the exact type of title you’d expect from a clever observational humorist like him and his overall material is very much the same way it was years ago. Heck, everything about him seems the same. Physically, it’s hard to believe he was born in the seventies. He still looks like a grad student and he’s aged the same way people like Paul Rudd and Halle Berry age – you can tell they’ve got some years on them, but you might have to look for the signs.

Demetri’s humor is the type where you never really engage in raucous laughter, but you never really sit in silence either. His entire act is almost like an opener’s act; there’s no storytelling and each bit comes and goes like a fart silently escaping from some pimply buttocks. It’s his enduring strength and his greatest weakness.

Part of me wants him to grow up and talk about his personal life. He’s been married since 2012, according to IMDb, and a guy like Louis CK would go to town on that (unfortunately – I find CK’s talk about his kids the most boring aspect of his material). But Demetri is his own comedian and I like to make the mean assumption that he didn’t release new standup material for quite a few years because he was sitting in his room trying to think of clever little things to say.

Don’t get me wrong: his material is original and funny but I feel like he’s in a state of arrested development. That’s just my opinion, of course, and I do feel like he’s a breath of fresh air; there’s only so much bacon I can take from Jim Gaffigan and Chappelle’s constant reliance on race/ethnicity is annoying at times.

So each comedian has his or her pros and cons and sometimes they overlap if they like talking about certain things. But if they’re comfortable, that’s all that should matter – you try to go up on stage and be funny and you might just end up like Sweet Dee Reynolds.

Live (At the Time) is quite funny, despite my petty complaints, and the only real problem is when he awkwardly talks about black people a couple of times. You can practically see the gears turning in his head, like “Oh, I’m gonna go for it… I’m so nervous… but I’m gonna do it!!” And it’s just uncomfortable. He doesn’t have the confidence of a Bill Burr to just say controversial things, even though what he says actually isn’t controversial at all.

And that’s another thing about Demetri: he is one of the few well-known comedians who sticks to completely uncontroversial material. He’s like Jerry Seinfeld, if Seinfeld had the guts to swear in his sets. That’s another thing where sometimes I wish he’d grow up and just riff about abortions or something, but again, it’s all about his own comfort zone and I mean come on – the guy has a Netflix comedy special and a very nice IMDb resume. I think he’s doing fine without my silly advice.

One of the toughest jobs for a comedian is being original and that’s one aspect where Demetri truly shines. Since the beginning he’s combined his funny and intelligent observations with music and physical humor and in Live (At the Time) his props are actually cut down significantly. It’s much more of a traditional set, although he does play a song near (at?) the end.

His Netflix special covers a wide variety of topics, with most involving some sort of wordplay. It’s worth checking out, even if he still acts like an amateur comedian… the guy literally says at the beginning that he has a lot of jokes to tell and just jumps in.

Good stuff, folks.

“Assassination” and the Tense Relationship Between Many Asian Countries and Japan

Sorry Northern Limit Line, but this is how you make a good movie.

I’m sure you’ve heard somewhere that a lot of Chinese and Korean people really fucking hate Japan, especially older individuals who were alive somewhere between 1900 and 1945. Well, to be absolutely blunt, it’s because Japan was a bit of a cunt when it was occupying China and Korea.

Honestly, while it’s not good to oversimplify, one could argue it’s Japan’s fault there are even two Koreas to begin with, at least in terms of literally having two on a map. Who knows what would have happened if Japan didn’t give the north to the USSR and the south to the US after WWII? Maybe we have a civil war and it becomes the Korean War all over again. Maybe not. Nobody can say for sure (unless you have some educated theories you want to post below).

Japan has a long history of constantly trying to occupy both China and Korea throughout hundreds of years and they’ve been particularly brutal during the process. They were basically genocide advocates and while there was the usual raping, plundering, and pillaging, they were unusually chilling in their absolute disregard for their fellow humans.

They’ve been known to fuck around with babies, like toss them in the air and try to impale them on bayonets. I mean, that’s all you really need to fucking know. That says everything right there.

To make matters worse, the Japanese have never really issued a full apology with any sincerity; Japan marked the 70th anniversary of the end of WWII a few days ago and the Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe, gave a statement about the whole shebang and let’s just say China, South Korea, and North Korea were not impressed.

So now you have a general understanding of why many older Asians hate Japan so much and you have the basic foundation for what’s going on in Assassination.

The movie is set mostly in the 1930s and revolves around a plot to take out a fairly important Japanese governor and a pro-Japanese Korean businessman. Three independence fighters are tasked with the assassination and their fates become entangled with two freelance Korean assassins when a traitor hires them to assassinate the independence fighters.

He's one of the freelance assassins and his nickname is Hawaii Pistol. #gangsta

He’s one of the freelance assassins and his nickname is Hawaii Pistol. #gangsta

It’s a plot that’s a little confusing at first, but you quickly adjust to it even while you’re reading the English subtitles (I mean, I’m Korean so I understood a fair amount of what was going on, but still). I wrote about a Korean film before – Northern Limit Line – and how it didn’t really seem like a real cinematic experience at all.

Well that’s not the case here; Assassination is shot very competently and there are some aspects of the movie that remind me of Quentin Tarantino to be honest. Maybe it’s because there’s a distinct Western feeling to it and Tarantino has been interested in that in recent years with Django Unchained and his new flick, The Hateful Eight. Maybe it’s because the climax of the movie involves the female protagonist murdering the shit out of some Japanese soldiers while wearing a wedding gown.

Either way, this is a movie that’s really fun to watch, which brings me to another fairly common Korean theme in movies: the use of humor.

For whatever reason, pretty much every Korean film I’ve seen has included humor in some aspect. It might be in just one scene, or even in just one fleeting moment, but there always seems to be something funny somewhere in a Korean movie.

One might say it’s jarring for a film like this, which features some pretty shocking scenes like a little Korean girl explicitly getting shot in the chest by a Japanese officer because she bumps into him by accident. But it works and it’s because the movie does a really good job of maintaining a level head. We don’t get wanton scenes of carnage caused by the Japanese and I sense it’s because the director knew the target audience – fellow Koreans – wouldn’t need to see all that to get the context behind what he was filming.

That means international audiences might not get the full impact of how terribly the Koreans were treated under Japan’s bloody fist, but I’m hoping the message does come across when they see things like a kid get shot.

So as I was saying, Assassination is impressive because it so effectively utilizes humor in a scenario in which a different director might have gone the full sob routine. Instead, it’s almost like a vengeance film, with focus being put on the various Koreans and their relationships with each other as some of them try to kill bad people and the others inadvertently try to stop them because of that aforementioned traitor son of a bitch.

There are other plot twists involved here, and one might say they’re sort of cheesy or at least stretching it a little (I hope you like twins). But I liked them and it added another sense of intrigue in what’s basically an espionage film.

The acting is phenomenal as well and I think Koreans are some of the best actors in the world. I wish more of them were in Hollywood and I hope one day people will make a big fuss when none of them get nominated for Oscars just like when certain black folks got bent out of shape just because Selma didn’t get more nominations last year.

Assassination is a really good movie with excellent acting, an intriguing plot, good character development, humor, and most importantly, an important story with an important historical background.

Get the hell out of my website and go see it now.

Everybody Chill: I Saw “Batman & Robin” and Didn’t Spontaneously Combust

Something of a retro review… and an opportunity to bring up Alicia Silverstone an uncomfortable number of times.

Batman & Robin has the unfortunate reputation of being one of the worst movies ever made and it set back the Batman franchise almost an entire decade before Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins in 2005. I know I’ve seen Batman & Robin before, but it was either when I was a kid, or I’ve blocked out the memory because of how painful it was.

So when I sat down a few days ago and watched it again on Netflix, it was more or less like watching a brand new movie. The difference, of course, was that I was expecting “the worst movie ever.” Instead, I got an atrocious movie with one or two things that could be generously described as being decent.

The classic complaints certainly ring true, like all of Freeze’s fucking terrible puns. I know Arnold Schwarzenegger has made a career out of cheesy puns, but what happened in Batman & Robin is completely unacceptable. And let’s not forget Uma Thurman, who has her share of plant puns in her role as Poison Ivy.

Their relationship goes cool and poisonous by the end of the movie. Zing!

Their relationship goes cool and poisonous by the end of the movie. Zing!

Most of the acting is also truly terrible, with the worst person being Robin (Chris O’Donnell). He is a whiny bitch the whole movie and even his defining moment – when he kisses Poison Ivy and makes the quip about rubber lips – is fucking painful to witness. I fucking hate Chris O’Donnell and I fucking hate Robin.

Even George Clooney was a little off this time and it’s probably because he knew what a doomed project it was. But the biggest travesty of the entire movie is how little Alicia Silverstone is utilized in her role as Batgirl. From what I understand, a lot of her scenes ended up being cut because she happened to gain some weight during filming.

What the filmmakers didn’t seem to understand is that men wouldn’t have given a single shit. Unless she was, like, four months pregnant at the time, I don’t think anybody would care just because Batgirl was a little curvier instead of being skinny and/or athletic.

I mean, she was literally the only reason why I decided to give this movie another go. I would have rather not posted anything on my website instead of watching Batman & Robin if I knew Alicia Silverstone would barely appear on my tablet’s screen.

Chris O'Donnell trying to convey how I felt when I didn't get enough Alicia Silverstone. Of course, he fails miserably.

Chris O’Donnell trying to convey how I felt when I didn’t get enough Alicia Silverstone. Of course, he fails miserably.

There are a lot of other missteps as well, like poor Bane who is easily defeated by Batgirl and Robin when they collectively realize they can just nudge the tubing on his back so he can’t receive the venom that makes him all “Bane” anymore. Also, maybe I’m spoiled by Gary Oldman’s portrayal of Commissioner Gordon, but I fucking hated this one.

Alfred was okay, I guess, although I ended up hating him too for no really justifiable reason.

Of course, there were some things I actually did like about the movie, and why don’t we just dive into that right now. For how little Alicia Silverstone shows up, I was pretty happy because she was hella fire at the time.

And this might sound crass, but let’s be honest: as a heterosexual male, I was very happy to see her “putting the costume on” montage received the same, um, justice as the beginning of the film when we see Batman and Robin put their uniforms on.

I also really liked Gotham’s architecture, in terms of those giant goliath statues that were scattered throughout the city. I really got a cool God of War vibe from them and it’s pretty chilling (not fucking intentional, I swear on my life) to think about a real city like Chicago or San Francisco having massive statues of men that are intertwined with buildings like observatories and skyscrapers.

So that was actually kinda awesome.

I don’t know. In so many ways Batman & Robin is exactly as awful as you’d expect, but if you’re expecting that awfulness, it’s actually not too bad. I mean, I thought I was going to jump off a cliff the whole time, but I was also thinking I’d take a parachute because I might very easily change my mind after thinking about my future bae Alicia Silverstone.

In some ways, it’s like The Room. If you have no knowledge of that movie and you go in and watch it, you’d probably rip the DVD out and microwave it. But if you know the history, and the reputation it has, things are different – you can enjoy how bad it is. I think that’s what happened with me regarding Batman & Robin.

"Oh hi Mark. Thank god we didn't make "Batman & Robin." We did not!"

“Oh hi Mark. Thank god we didn’t make ‘Batman & Robin.’ We did not!”

I knew Schwarzenegger would make an inordinate amount of puns. I knew the acting would be terrible. I knew the plot would be bad, with some of the most infamous moments in cinematic history, like Batman’s stupid credit card (he never leaves the cave without it!). I knew this would be the silliest Batman movie ever.

The only thing I didn’t expect was to see Chris O’Donnell stink up the place so much. God, fuck that guy.

Odd Couple: The Surprising “Trainwreck” and the Underwhelming “Northern Limit Line”

Amy Schumer and Bill Hader awkwardly fall for each other while a Korean film tackling important history finds itself mired in a quandary of TV drama-esque quality.

Trainwreck

This is more of a romantic comedy than you’d expect, but the difference is you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable watching it if you’re a guy. It’s well-made, especially for the genre it finds itself in, and there are plenty of cameos from the likes of John Cena, LeBron James, Amare Stoudemire, and even Marv Albert to quell your petty insecurities.

It’s a funny film that, for once, showcases Amy Schumer’s talents without focusing too much on her tendency to be super crass and nasty. While there are certainly moments where she gives a “retro” performance, if you will, most of the time she embraces a role where she actually needs to develop her comedic ability.

She really succeeds, too.

A pretty common belief in cinema is that comedians are better at doing drama than dramatic actors are at doing comedy – there are variables that simply make a good comedic actor capable of pulling off drama, whereas someone like Daniel Day-Lewis or Christian Bale might inadvertently be funny, but getting cast in, say, a movie like Anchorman might be a poor decision.

Both Schumer and Bill Hader (fuck that guy) show their acting chops, with Hader simply doing what he’s been doing since he left Saturday Night Live. But he actually plays the straight man for once and more than holds his own against Schumer’s messy, wacky character. He’s pretty convincing as a sports doctor too, since he’s got that vague handsomeness coupled with a dweeb-like foundation.

But the real star of the movie is definitely Schumer, followed closely by LeBron James and maybe Tilda Swinton. There’s a funeral scene where we all get to see her like never before and while I never got teary or anything like that, I really believed she was grieving the loss of someone important.

Speaking of LeBron James, I went in expecting a lot from him based on things I’d read and seen, and he certainly didn’t disappoint. Some of the best scenes included him and watching Bill Hader “compete” against LeBron in basketball was one of the funniest sequences of the year. LeBron’s performance reportedly gave way to a deal with Warner Bros. to give him creative liberty to pursue more film projects, and that means we may get a Space Jam 2, for better or for worse.

While Trainwreck is anything but, I do have to point out its running time is overly long. A lot of the movie is stupid exposition or an attempt to build character development or, I suppose, make this something deeper than what it really is. Part of the movie’s success is undoubtedly built on Amy Schumer’s shoulders and as a result, some of the praise it’s receiving is unjustifiably inflated due to just her name being involved.

This movie is not a trailblazer nor is it revolutionary; still, it’s an above-average film and perhaps even a superb example of a romantic comedy that I think caters well to multiple demographics. That’s a rare thing these days – it’s probably harder to score on LeBron (or get John Cena to talk dirty in bed).

Northern Limit Line

Not many people know this, but the Korean War technically never ended. The two sides signed an armistice, which is basically a temporary truce/ceasefire, and that was the “end” of that. As a result, tensions have been known to get pretty high and you can bet South Korea is always on its toes when the heart of the country, Seoul, is a mere thirty miles from the DMZ.

While many people have heard of the DMZ, there’s a maritime version called the Northern Limit Line (NLL). It hugs the North Korean coastline like a stalker and to make matters much more complicated, it’s a border North Korea doesn’t officially recognize. That means they constantly test it and it also means South Korean patrol boats are a norm in the Yellow Sea.

In 2002, a naval skirmish broke out and a lot of Koreans died from both sides. It was bad on multiple levels, with one level being the fact that South Korea and Japan were co-hosting the FIFA World Cup at the time.

Northern Limit Line‘s gimmick, if you will, is showing South Korean civilians celebrating the country’s surprising advance after surprising advance while we get to see into the lives of South Korean naval patrolmen. It’s a dichotomy that should work well, in theory, but the movie doesn’t do as much as it could to really make a mark.

A lot of Korean films – especially the ones that are less established internationally – use a terrible form of filmmaking where a lot of the content looks like it came out of a Korean drama. I mean that in a purely visual sense. While I don’t expect Terrence Malick, Jeff Nichols, or even Zack Snyder in every movie I see, too many Korean films use drab, conventional cinematography that is indistinguishable from their television counterparts.

To make matters worse, Northern Limit Line embraces a soap drama type of feeling, which means it’s actually kind of difficult to care about the characters involved. Again, while that’s not a direct correlation with a movie’s quality (I didn’t care, per se, about the characters in Black Hawk Down but that’s a really good war flick), you would think as a Korean-American that I feel something – anything, at all.

That might explain why the last twenty minutes or so – post-climatic battle – are a scrambling mess that uneasily transition from fictional adaptation to real footage from 2002, like watching parents of the fallen patrolmen wailing in anguish at a funeral ceremony. Those moments hit like bricks, of course, but I would argue the merit in including those.

Couldn’t one argue that a truly successful film conveys the inherent damage of warfare, even on a skirmish level, without having to resort to dirty tricks like that? Isn’t it more impressive if the end result was achieved without having to watch grainy footage of caskets and stern admirals sitting in metal folding chairs?

It very well might be a cultural thing; we are nationalistic on a whole different level and it’s because of all the atrocities we’ve been through, like with the Japanese for hundreds of years, and the Korean War itself of course. It’s also because of how fast and high we’ve risen from the ashes – we’re smaller than most U.S. states and yet we have a top twenty global economy.

So you can see why a movie about a historical tragedy tries to provide as much real perspective as possible.

Also, one of the redeeming aspects of Northern Limit Line is the climactic battle in itself. That’s when you see that classic Korean grit you get in movies like Tae Guk Gi: The Brotherhood of War and even movies like The Man from Nowhere. It’s aggressively violent and in that regard, provokes some strong emotions.

Unfortunately, I have to say with a heavy heart that it’s simply not enough to make Northern Limit Line a worthy representative of 2002’s naval skirmish. It’s decent, but what happened deserves the best.

A Not So Helpful Guide for Defeating (or Just Surviving) Ronda Rousey

Ten definitely serious options for your consideration should you find yourself in the position to save the world from Rousey’s terrifying reign.

I’ve come to realize she is basically the evil lady from Terminator 3 and she’s not going to stop until every single man, woman, and child has been annihilated in the Octagon by her relentless hands, elbows, knees, and feet.

Nobody expects anyone to defeat her at this point, including male UFC fighters (and it would be a lose-lose whether someone like Conor McGregor beat her or not). People are also openly calling for her to face Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who may not have experience in MMA, but is certainly no slouch when it comes to doling out the blows.

We aren’t even sure if there are any fictional characters who could best her. Surely she would choke out John Wick? And John Rambo? And John Matrix? Even John McClane, the very definition of an action hero? Could they team up and stand a chance? Nobody can say for sure.

To take Ronda Rousey down, there are a number of methods that might be utilized, although you find out soon enough that each has its own strengths and weaknesses (or just weaknesses, I guess).

1. Get a small and adorable child to hug her from behind, except the child is a robot and that robot is filled with a ton of C4.

Even though it’s just a robot, I would imagine survivors of the resulting explosion would be feeling pretty goddamn traumatized after witnessing – to them – a cute kid blowing up into a million little pieces, along with Rousey.

That kind of psychological trauma isn’t worth it, not to mention the resulting fallout thanks to such a blatant disregard for ethics. Besides, we aren’t actually trying to kill her, for Pete’s sake. We just want to show the world she’s a mortal by making her bleed, not spreading her internal organs over multiple zip codes.

2. Hire ex-military mercenaries to fly a drone over the Octagon and fire a missile.

Once again, I see a lot of problems, with the main one being the lethality of it. I did say we’re not trying to kill her, right? And how do you expect to survive the missile if you are also in the Octagon with her? This is real life – you have to take into account things like the force of the explosion!

3. Catch a shark, transport it to her house, and leave it in her swimming pool so it can ambush her.

Wow, what a ridiculously heinous plot that wouldn’t work pretty much from the start. Besides, Rousey would punch the shit out of that stupid shark and she’s too busy planning world domination to do regular things like swim in a pool.

*saves it for Donald Trump in case he becomes president*

4. Get someone really chill like Paul Rudd or Amy Poehler to lower Rousey’s guard before kicking her into a deep hole like 300.

That’s actually pretty funny to think about just because it’s so bizarre. Unless that deep hole has some serious padding at the bottom, I’m not digging this one either.

Also, maybe I should clarify: I meant defeat her in the Octagon. Like, officially put a loss in a her record.

5. Get into the ring with her and just avoid her like a boss until time runs out.

This is a very popular hypothetical idea that works well in a vacuum. But if there’s one thing I know about Ronda Rousey (other than us being together forever and ever and ever and ever), it’s that she’s really quite aggressive.

She’s definitely not the type to wait for you to engage first – she’s coming for you. Like, right da fuck now. And if she realizes you’re actively trying to avoid even touching her, I can guarantee she’ll either trap you in a corner or pin you against the fence and pummel you until your head looks like a tomato.

I would certainly be impressed if you actually succeeded with this option, but it’s definitely harder than you think when you consider not only her aggressiveness and skill, but the relatively confined dimensions of the Octagon.

6. Find the woman (or man) of your dreams, make a baby through passionate lovemaking, train the baby before it’s even born to be a fighting machine, continue to train it when it’s born, never stop training it, keep going, almost there… and now the baby is an adult and ready to fight Ronda Rousey.

This is definitely the movie version, but I guess it could also work. My only concern would be the time factor. By the time the baby is grown up, Rousey will probably be pretty old and she’ll also be the Solar System Representative of the Milky Way Galaxy Senate or some shit.

She’ll be a formidable opponent by herself, but she’ll also have hordes of bodyguards and cyborgs as cannon fodder.

Can your baby handle the heat? CAN IT!?!?!?!?

That’s what I thought.

7. Train YOURSELF to be a formidable fighting machine and, through a series of improbable events, find yourself facing off against her.

I hate to break it to ya, but this is a very unrealistic scenario. If you’re even reading this, you’re probably at least sixteen years old, if not older, which means you are far behind in terms of training. Could you catch up, or at least turn into a good fighter?

Sure, it’s possible.

But it won’t be enough. You need another plan.

8. Offer her a bribe to lose on purpose, all the while making sure she at least gives a convincing performance (as in, she looks like she’s trying to win).

I’m not exactly sure what Rousey’s net worth is (when I type her name into Bing it says on the side it’s approximately $5 million), but she is one of UFC’s most well-known fighters and she’s definitely the most famous female fighter right now. Plus, she’s already been in three movies: The Expendables 3, Furious 7, and Entourage, all of which must bring in some kind of money, right?

If you offer her a bribe, it better not be in person because she’ll probably give you a flurry of jabs right in the face until you can’t feel, well, your dang face anymore.

9. Hold one of her family members hostage and blackmail her into losing against you.

Yeah, because you want to turn Ronda Rousey into Liam Neeson’s Taken character. Good luck with that, pal.

10. Realize there’s no stopping her and fully embrace her inevitable rise to power – like Scarface but even better.

ALL HAIL OUR OVERLORD RONDA ROUSEY! ALL HAIL OUR OVERLORD RONDA ROUSEY! ALL HAIL OUR OVERLORD RONDA ROUSEY!