Stupid Horoscopes (May)

It’s almost summer, so let’s review some Vegas etiquette.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your persistence will not be in your favor. Somebody may break your legs with a baseball bat.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Use that incredible wit to good use. Prepare to write down lots of phone numbers (and hotel room numbers too).

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t be so clingy, because magicians really don’t give their secrets up, no matter how hard you hug their legs and refuse to let go.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Just because the bouncer won’t let you into the club doesn’t mean your bossy attitude should show up – unless you want your skull to bounce off a curb, that is.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Modesty is great, but Vegas is really the place to let loose. Definitely blow all your winnings on alcohol and other things (just, you know, be responsible).

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Even though you’re fairly diplomatic, it’s totally acceptable to walk into the Luxor and diss it immediately. Because the Luxor is garbage.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Emotions will run high when you run into your preschool teacher getting a dance from a stripper, but just remember this: teachers are humans too!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

No offense, but nobody cares about your philosophical musings while they’re getting their freak on.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Come on, it’s Vegas. Why are you there if you’re going to be so miserly?

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Be friendly like you always are. Vegas is the place to make lots of acquaintances and then get psycho drunk together in a vintage montage from the 1980s.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Sometimes being secretive isn’t good, especially if you’re being weird in casinos. Security will definitely “check you out.”

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Be courageous and punch Mike Tyson’s tiger.

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