Stupid Horoscopes (April)

It’s a new series! Horoscopes!

In honor of April Fool’s Day, this edition tells your parents you’re pregnant.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s 1983 and Tony from Miami has just snorted an enormous amount of cocaine. BUT HE DIDN’T BECAUSE IT’S REALLY A MOVIE SET AND YOU JUST CAN’T DO THAT THESE DAYS.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

It’s 2015 and Barrett from Seoul has just gotten married to Taylor Swift. BUT HE REALLY DIDN’T BECAUSE HE BROKE UP WITH HER LIKE ALL HER OTHER BOYFRIENDS AND THEN SHE WROTE “SHAKE IT OFF.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

It’s 2011 and Ethan from [redacted] has just been told his mission is impossible. BUT IT IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT IMPOSSIBLE STUFF BEING IMPOSSIBLE.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s 1984 and a cyborg from the future has just convinced people he is a human being. BUT HE ISN’T AND YOU SHOULD RUN BECAUSE HE GONNA KILL YOU.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It’s 2001 and Tony from New Jersey is super annoyed because Ralph Cifaretto is obsessed with Gladiator and can’t stop quoting it. BUT HE ACTUALLY FEELS GREAT BECAUSE HE’S THE MAIN CHARACTER ON ONE OF THE BEST TV SERIES IN HISTORY.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’s 2006 and Dwayne from New Orleans is, unlike Tony from New Jersey, really happy about his tattoo choices. BUT HE ACTUALLY FEELS BAD BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU GET TEARDROP TATTOOS WHY WHY WHY.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s 2013 and Aubrey from Toronto is rapping about starting from the bottom. BUT REALLY HE KINDA STARTED FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE MIDDLE AND THE BOTTOM SO STOP EXAGGERATING AUBREY.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s 2004 and Shawn from Brooklyn is trying to solve his 99 problems although a female dog isn’t one of them. BUT ACTUALLY HIS FEMALE DOG JUST DIED AND OH NO HE’S CRYING SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN A TOM FORD HANKERCHIEF TO WIPE HIS EYES WITH.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

It’s 2010 and LeBron from Akron has just told the Cleveland Cavaliers he’ll resign with them. BUT PSYCH BECAUSE MIAMI IS WAITING AND YOU DON’T PASS UP MIAMI AND THE LADIES AND THE LIFESTYLE AND THE PARTIES FOR A BUM TOWN LIKE CLEVELAND.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

It’s 2013 and William from Mississippi thinks UOENO. BUT ACTUALLY WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THAT ONE REALLY SKETCHY PART OF THAT SONG ABOUT THE MOLLY IN THE DRINK AND TAKING THE GIRL HOME.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s 2015 and Justin from the depths of Hell has been roasted on Comedy Central, leading to everybody liking him. BUT ACTUALLY EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS BEFORE AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT ROAST WASN’T THAT GREAT GIVE ME MY TIME BACK YOUTUBE.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It’s 2007 and Peyton from New Orleans is happy for his brother. BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE HOW EMBARRASSING IS IT TO LET ELI MANNING WIN A SUPER BOWL BEFORE YOU.

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