The Bitter Ramblings of a Derrick Rose Hater at LA Fitness

“Fuck Derrick Rose.”

St. Patrick’s Day. LA Fitness. A little bit before noon.

I’m making it splash from the three-point line – like straight fire, cuz – when two older guys (adults, I think they’re called) walk onto the court and go to the opposite half. One of them looks like Ferris Bueller’s dad, but older, rounder, and maybe a little bit taller. The other is a great example of what Dick Vitale would look like if he shrank by a foot, never went outside on sunny days, and had the same belly as Randy from Trailer Park Boys.

They start warming up as I practice my violent tomahawk dunks when I hear snippets of an intriguing conversation. They’re talking about Derrick Rose, with Ferris Bueller’s dad doing most of the talking. Occasionally, Dick Vitale chimes in, but he’s too busy taking his sweet time lining up his funky, Derek Fisher-esque shots.

At the time, what really got to me was the bitterness in Ferris Bueller’s dad’s voice; it was a jarring reminder of how ridiculous it is that we care about sports so much sometimes. And the look on his face! It looked like he was about three months removed from learning his daughter was a VERY prominent in the porn industry.

It looked like he had just shoved an entire lemon in his mouth. And then learned his daughter does porn. It looked like he had just wasted money watching any of Robert de Niro’s movies from the past twelve years. And then found out his daughter does porn.

You get the idea. Just a twisted, angry, disgusted face.

Since I was too busy honing my killer crossover, I didn’t get their full conversation. But I got just enough to present the mostly unaltered ramblings of a man who cares a little too much about the future of the Chicago Bulls.

Ferris Bueller’s dad: How ’bout them Bulls right now?

Poor man’s Dick Vitale: *derp derp derp*

Ferris Bueller’s dad: Rose is injured again. I’m over him. I think we should trade him to Atlanta – the Hawks. They could use him. But I’m done. Fuck him.

Poor man’s Dick Vitale: *derp derp derp*

Ferris Bueller’s dad: $20 million for Jimmy Butler. Future star – he’s what we need. Fuck Derrick Rose. It’s over. Thinking about his future. Are you kidding me? He’s, what, 26? Talking about his grandkids or whatever. His kids, I mean, God.

Poor man’s Dick Vitale: *wakes up from coma* He’s not even married…?

Ferris Bueller’s dad: That’s right. He’s not! Probably going to spend the next year out again. Forget about the playoffs. Shut it down. We don’t need him.

Poor man’s Dick Vitale: Gotta see how he does when he comes back though.

Ferris Bueller’s dad: No. His career is finished. That’s, what, his fifth knee injury in the past three years? Gotta trade him. Gotta get rid of him. Somehow.

So yeah, that was pretty much it. But remember, the tone of his voice is key. While his words might not seem too bad, aside from the f-bombs and whatnot, it was his tone that made it memorable.

I’m actually glad I published this later rather than sooner, because I saw Ferris Bueller’s dad again the next morning and shot hoops on the same side of the court. Turns out he’s actually a pretty nice guy.

But can you blame him, considering the frustrating debacle that has been swirling around Derrick Rose like a pungent toilet?

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